[EPISODE]

[0:00:06] BHA: Tell us about a challenge you faced and how you overcame it.

[0:00:10] BT: Reflect on a moment when your actions made a difference for others.

[0:00:13] BHA: Or describe one of your passions and why it lights you up. These aren't just ideas for your next journal entry. They're prompts you might see when you sit down to write your college essay.

[0:00:23] BT: The essay is one of the only places on the application where students will use their own voice to tell an admissions committee about themselves. In this episode of College Admissions Insider, we're exploring how students can make the most of that opportunity. I'm Brooke Thames from Bucknell University.

[0:00:37] BHA: And I'm Becca Haupt Aldredge, also from Bucknell. We'll chat about crafting a strong outline, how to keep your reader engaged, mistakes to avoid in the essay and more.

[0:00:46] BT: Our guest is Jennifer Hilborn, a former high school English teacher and current admissions reader at Bucknell. Welcome to the podcast.

[0:00:53] JH: Thank you.

[0:00:54] BHA: So, Jen and I have the opportunity to read together as one of our Bucknell admissions readers. But I've actually had the pleasure of knowing Jen for over 10 years now, as she was my high school English teacher at Cranford High School. So we're thrilled to have you kind of blend both of these experiences. We'd love for you to tell our listeners a little bit more about your experience as a teacher, and an admissions reader, and maybe about your connection to Bucknell.

[0:01:19] JH: Definitely. Well, I am a Bucknell alumni, graduated in 1989. In addition, I've been — or I was — a high school English teacher for 32 years. I basically taught every grade at the high school level and probably every additional academic level. In my last, I'd say, seven or eight years, I focused on teaching AP Language and Composition, and I also taught a lot of senior writing classes that definitely incorporated college essay writing into the curriculum.

Since my retirement, I've been working at Bucknell for three years as a college admissions reader, and it's a really unique experience coming back as an alumni, also working with a former student. But also getting to know how students progress beyond the high school level, and actually tackle their undergraduate education, which is something through the writing of college recommendation letters, and helping them with their essays, something that I helped them prepare for. So, it's been great to see where the students go after high school.

[0:02:18] BT: Yes. Sounds like we brought the perfect expert here to the show to talk about this particular topic. So starting off right at the top about maybe timeline. Most college applications open on or around Aug. 1 and aren't due for a few months after that, but should students already have thought about or even begun writing their essay at that time?

[0:02:38] JH: Definitely. While I was a teacher, I also did a lot of tutoring, and I've also taught college essay writing classes at Cranford High School, night classes. I can tell you that I don't think it's ever too soon to start thinking about your personal essay. Most students, I think, are really getting into the flow of it by the end of their junior year, starting to really think about it in May or June. I think it's great if most students plan to complete a good draft of the essay over the summer leading into senior year, unless, of course, you're applying to a specialized college, maybe with rolling admission that requires that you submit early in September. But I do think it's important that you start thinking about your topic, going through the Common App prompts, and kind of honing in on what you hope to talk about in regard to yourself in the essay several months before it's due.

[0:03:31] BHA: And speaking of starting to think about what you might want to write about, before you sit down at your keyboard or at your computer, spending some time flushing out those ideas is really the first step. Students don't have to come up with them all on their own, right? The Common Application and the Coalition Application both provide a number of prompts. How might a student go about choosing the prompt that they feel they can write best about?

[0:03:59] JH: I think some students think they should go to the prompts first and choose the prompt. But what I think is actually much more effective is for the students to realize that the
essay itself is almost like a one-sided conversation with their college admissions staff that they are going to be speaking with through the essay. And they need to think first about what idea, concept, quality about themselves that they want to present to the admissions staff. I think it's incredibly important to think about that first. And then, the prompt becomes the secondary choice. I mean, the Common App prompts are so broad that literally you could write an essay and figure out which prompt to align it with. The seventh prompt on the Common App list says, you can share an essay on any topic of your choice. So you have a broad range.

I would say that in the last few years, these prompts have skewed more into the concept of self-reflection, and students actually thinking about how they've changed, how they've grown, how they've matured. My suggestion really is to think about yourself first and consider, "Okay, where have I demonstrated some growth or change? Am I becoming more of a risk taker? Am I learning to become more patient? Or have I learned how to forgive someone if that was a very difficult option? Am I becoming more independent as I've grown older, or maybe demonstrating more humility or empathy in regard to my interactions with people." Once you have a real concept or a place of insight into yourself, that's when you can transition to the prompts themselves, and think about, "Okay. Was this just a lesson I learned?" or "Was I actually questioning or challenging an idea?" In that way, you can fit it more into the specific prompt. But it has to start with self-reflection on your own part.

[0:05:48] BT: Yes, I love that advice about kind of reverse engineering that experience because at the end of the day, your essay really does need to communicate something about you as a student. So once a student has done some of that self-reflection — maybe decided kind of a core message, or theme, or something that they want to say about themselves — I imagine it's not the easiest to just sit down and have that flow out. As a writer, I'll confidently say that the key to a good piece of writing is a strong outline. So what should students keep in mind when building a sketch of their essay?

[0:06:22] JH: Well, I do think it's important for students to talk about their ideas with someone as they are getting into the pre-writing phase, whether it's a parent, another trusted adult, whether it be a teacher, or a coach, perhaps even a best friend. There's nothing wrong with, before you actually sit down to outline your essay, talking to someone about it, and getting some of their feedback.

One of the things I did as a college essay tutor in the past was, I would have students go and almost interview someone about themselves. So you know, say to a parent, "I'm going to write about maybe becoming more independent. Where did you see that demonstrated? Where have you seen me becoming a little more independent?" or "Where have you seen me becoming more patient?" or "Where has my ambition shown through?" Then, once you get a few of those ideas, you can say to yourself, "Okay. Now, I'm ready to start putting some actual words down on paper, typing them on a doc and organizing."

Generally, I think, a very strong, broad outline structure for the college essay is to, at the beginning of their essay, work to get the reader's attention, maybe demonstrate a little bit of creative writing in your introduction. Then of course, in the body, you want to either develop details about one experience or perhaps multiple details about several experiences that reflect your growth. Then your conclusion really sums up your understanding, your learning, very clearly for the admissions reader — so that the essay that I read is the one that you intended me to understand, and we're clear. Are you, in fact, writing about learning and demonstrating more empathy in your relationships? Okay, that's what you were writing about. Is that also what I am understanding at the end of the essay?

There's really three broad pieces, in my opinion, to the essay itself, the beginning, the middle and the end. Students have to decide whether they're going to focus, perhaps, on one incident, one moment, one example or multiple incidents. That is something that perhaps interviewing a friend, or talking to a friend, or a relative, or a coach, or a teacher that might help generate some of the ideas, or it might help you decide on one focused idea for the body of the college essay itself. That is a personal choice.

[0:08:39] BHA: I think everyone listening knows how important beginnings are. When you're watching a TV show — or even a preview for a TV show or a movie — listening to a podcast, reading a book, those first few minutes need to be attention grabbing or you may lose interest. From a writing standpoint, you mentioned that you want to grab the reader's attention, maybe demonstrate some creative writing. As an application reader, what are you looking for
in that opening of a college essay?

[0:09:07] JH: Well, like I said, I like a creative beginning that's going to grab me, whether it's a narrative, a person reflecting on a specific moment. Maybe giving a lot of sensory images, you know, what they're seeing, hearing, even smelling, tasting, touching — but something that's going to strike me as unusual. Then, I want to see the writer develop that idea and focus it on the core thematic message. I have a couple of quick samples, and both of the samples that I chose that I wanted to just share the introductions for, you can find these online. The first student attended Hamilton College, and I thought the beginning of his piece was very interesting. I wanted to read more when I read this, and I've used it as a sample in the past with students that I was talking with about college essay writing.

So, this essay was written by Nathaniel Colburn, like I said, he went to Hamilton College, and his essay begins very simply:

Keeping my head down and avoiding eye contact, I tried not to attract attention. Drunken shrieks and moans reverberated through the darkening light of the bus stop, while silhouettes and shadows danced about. My heart pounding, I hoped I would survive the next 40 minutes.

Now, this piece right away, I mean, I have a picture in my head of really odd things going on in the background while this kid is standing at a bus stop. Things that most of us have stood at some sort of bus stop, or at a metro stop, or even in the subway. I'm wondering, what the heck is this kid doing? Where is he? Why is he there amongst all of these people who are shrieking and making all these noises? The essay, he develops wonderfully. Just as a quick follow up to this piece, he develops an interaction with a woman at this bus stop. He's so afraid and she sits down next to him, and they start talking, and she calms him. In the end, he comes to the recognition that all of these other folks around him are essentially homeless. He thinks she's not until he recognizes at the end, she picks up all her belongings, and gets on the bus, and he realizes, "Oh my God, I was afraid of this place and these people, and this woman sat down next to me, and she completely shattered my ideas about what it means to not only be homeless, but to just be human." He reflects on that at the end, and how dramatic an impact this one short moment had in terms of teaching him about people. It was a really effective piece.

The second example I have was from a student, Isabel, who is a student at MIT. She was studying chemical engineering, and she took a very different tact at the beginning. The beginning almost sounds a little inappropriate, but she begins by writing:

I hunch over the dimly lit desk in my bedroom. My thumb poised to push the plunger of the syringe I clutched tightly. Before I send the dark red liquid out of the blunted needle, I breathe deeply, preparing for the ritual rush of exhilaration. I'm cut short by the door opening. "What are you doing?"

And then, the piece continues. This young lady, she's actually writing about a very odd and unique hobby that she has. She actually writes reviews. She loves pens and she writes reviews of pens and ink. She actually has a blog with over 12,000 followers. She uploads, and apparently, even some ink companies follow her reviews. It's a very, very different piece, but obviously, it sounds like she's doing something with that needle that she shouldn't be doing. Mom walks in and is asking her to go down and finish her laundry, basically.

But it just goes to show you how such a very creatively written introduction can draw you in, and then, perhaps immediately shift you to some appreciation for what the student is able to create, following that very creative beginning.

[0:13:02] BHA: Those were both really, really great examples of unique and creative approaches to opening an essay, and then bringing the reader with you as you get into the rest of the story. And of course, the essay does more than just tell us information about a student. It helps us understand their writing and their critical thinking abilities. It helps indicate a student's readiness for college. But an application might not be as straightforward as academic writing for, say, an English paper — especially if a student's reflecting on a moment of their life that they've changed or grown over time. How can writers balance showing their writing skill with also being a compelling storyteller?

[0:13:41] JH: Well, like I said, I think the introduction is a great place to use some of the storytelling or narrative elements, with maybe some strong vocabulary, and as I said, strong sense imagery. But the rest of the essay also has to take us through a student's sense of recognition or understanding about themselves.

A couple of the tactics that I suggest kids use, they need to understand that this is meant to be a conversational essay as opposed to a strict academic essay. As I said before, it's more of a one-sided conversation with the admissions staff. So you want to use first person, you want to even use second person, use words like "I," "we," "you." You don't simply want to tell us about a philosophical belief out there without relating it to yourself.

One of the other tactics I suggest you use that makes it a little less academic, feel free to use more paragraphs, shorter paragraphs. It makes it more readable for the college admissions staff, the readers to get through the piece. We are probably spending a minute, maybe a minute and a half, on the essay, and we want it to be as readable as possible.

A lot of students use dialogue, and I will tell you, in both of the samples that I just shared with you, you heard one student use it right at the beginning with her mother entering and saying, "What are you doing?" The other student sample uses, as he takes us through, a narrative exchange with one of the women he meets at the bus stop. He actually uses dialogue and takes us back and forth through that. That actually shows writing strength, as well as your ability to focus in on storytelling and leading us to your understanding of an idea.

Don't be afraid to also use a little bit of humor. I think that the young lady writing about the syringe knows that her hobby is a little unique. And I think by being a little overdramatic at the beginning, she's obviously being a little tongue-in-cheek too, because she knows she's not using that syringe to do something inappropriate or unethical, but it just comes across as being hyperbolic and kind of funny in some ways.

All of these techniques can keep your writing simpler to read. It also encourages you to use your own voice. A lot of students will go to, as I said, other trusted adults or maybe older siblings or friends to help them. You don't want this essay to be in someone else's voice. You have to write it yourself and you have to use vocabulary that you are comfortable with. Now, with that said, most readers don't have any problems with you using contractions in your writing, which is something in academic writing that you wouldn't normally do. But you might want to try and use a couple of words or phrases that are a little more scholarly or academic. You only want to use a smattering of those to show us, "Okay, I can write in a more elevated fashion." You might say that you tried something to no avail. Meaning, you did not complete something or you did not achieve something, but that phrase to no avail shows me, "Oh, this student really understands language."

So, a combination of more conversational word choices, and a little bit of academic word choice balances out the writing. That's, as a senior in high school, how most students speak anyway. They're becoming more mature, their language is becoming more mature, but they're not, you know, they don't speak that way all the time. So just recognize that telling a compelling story is really about finding your own voice, balancing the conversational with the academic, and then, focusing in on key ideas that you think are most appropriate.

[0:17:17] BT: Yes, Jen, it sounds like all of those bits and pieces of advice are ways that students can really creatively bring the reader into a pretty ordinary moment, and make that engaging, and demonstrate kind of who they are and how they've changed like you mentioned. Becca, you sometimes say that you've never met a student who has been to space, or has cured cancer, and so your essay doesn't have to be anything out of proportion or out of the ordinary to be interesting. I think, Jen, all of these bits and pieces of advice that you're giving are great for our listeners to take with them to achieve that.

So let's say, a student listens to this episode and uses some of this advice, and they get a draft that they like. It's safe to say that they shouldn't just submit that first draft. How do you recommend students go about getting feedback and editing their work?

[0:18:09] JH: It's my belief that most students who are really taking the personal essay seriously are going to work on that essay for some time. I actually find it to be very beneficial to writers to work on the piece, and then put it down, and put it away for a few days, and then come back to it a couple of days later. I think that's common for most good writers to do, because other things come to mind. Word changes come to mind, new details, vivid word choice may come up that you didn't think of the first time. So recognize that it is common for students working on a common app essay to actually go back to it five, six, seven, eight times. To do that maybe over the space of four, five, even six weeks. That's why you want to start early enough with your planning, so that you have enough time to not rush the writing of the essay.

Now, in terms of feedback and editing, it is true that probably every person you show your essay to is going to have a different reaction to it. Your parents are going to react differently than perhaps a friend or, perhaps, even an academic teacher. Ultimately, I think it's smart to do a couple of things. First of all, the most important thing is for you to be comfortable with what you've written. One of the things I ask most students to do is in the quiet of their bedroom, to read the essay aloud to themselves, to actually hear it. It's important for you to recognize that sometimes, what you type is not necessarily what you hear. You think you're typing something, and it flows, and it makes sense, but when you read it out loud, you realize it's not as conversationally clear as you thought it was when you typed it. So, number one, practice reading it aloud. You feel a little odd doing it, but oftentimes, you will definitely hear mistakes, whether it be grammatical. Or there are gaps when you're telling a story, and you've left something out, and you don't realize it until you hear the story read aloud.

You could read it to a parent, have a parent read it quietly, or go to a teacher. But recognize that, ultimately, the advice you get from all of these other people in your life, take it, think about it, maybe incorporate some of it — but you have to be able to be comfortable with the essay reflecting who you are, and to have it reflect your voice. You are the one who is applying to this college, not your parents, not your friends, not your teachers. So you want to be your true, authentic self in the piece of writing.

With that said, there's usually a lot of editing that needs to happen over the course of the writing of a very important piece of material. Even as a teacher, I went through various writing and editing phases anytime I'd have to put a student's college recommendation together or type something to my boss. So recognize that it's common to edit, and edit, and edit, and don't be afraid of that, it's a part of the process.

[0:20:59] BHA: That's such a good reminder that not only is the student's essay and their voice at the end of the day that's hitting the submit button. But also, in a world that wants to maybe check a box, and finish a project, and get some satisfaction in moving through the steps of the application process. The writing, maybe more than any other section really does take time, and time is part of crafting that essay.

It would be impossible not to cover an episode on college essay writing without addressing tools like AI and ChatGPT as resources for students throughout the writing process. I don't doubt that students might look to AI as a way to generate ideas or maybe edit their pieces. But from your perspective, are there best practices when leveraging technology in the college essay?

[0:21:52] JH: I'm not really concerned about students using research tools on the computer to look up what are common essay topics or to look at samples. But I do think it's crossing a line when you're going to ChatGPT or another AI tool to help you actually draft the essay. Usually, ChatGPT is a very unoriginal medium. A lot of the voice, the personality that you want to get into a college essay will not come to life through a ChatGPT piece. It just will not. Yes, words will come together, but you won't feel that it's a real person having written it. So I can tell you jokingly that when I got married [recently], my brother, as a joke, did a ChatGPT toast, a little mini toast, and he did it kind of as a funny thing. I will tell you that my brother is great sense of humor, it did not come through in the chat GPT toast. It just doesn't. It's a tool for perhaps outlining ideas, maybe organizing ideas, but not for actually drafting them in a way that's going to allow you to truly introduce yourself to the college admission staff as a school.

So what I say is, old school works here. Sitting down and writing the piece is your best opportunity to present yourself. ChatGPT is great and it can be used for many things. But I think, if you're trying to share who you are as a real life human person, that college or university wants to have on their campus, ChatGPT is not the way to go, quite honestly. Maybe use it to brainstorm a couple of quick ideas and then let it go. You need to do the hard work if really want to go to a school, and present yourself in a great way.

[0:23:32] BT: That is one great reminder of what students maybe should avoid doing in terms of leaning too heavily into AI or ChatGPT when writing their essay. Before we go, I wonder if you have any other pieces of advice for what students shouldn't do or should avoid when trying to craft the best essay possible?

[0:23:52] JH: I think there are a couple of things that students should avoid. There was one essay, actually, The New York Times a couple years ago posted a story about a student who wrote a college essay about meeting with a teacher because she revered this teacher, loved this teacher. And she wrote her college essay about this meeting, and the fact that this young lady didn't want to…she had to use the restroom. And instead of getting up to use the restroom, she chose to wet her pants instead of getting up, and walking away from the teacher because she was so engaged in the conversation. She wrote about that as a way to show her respect for the teacher, and not leaving that person in the middle of conversation. Yet, it came across as completely, you know, crazy to write your college essay about that. So what I would say is, listen, we've all had weird, funny, unique things happen to us. It doesn't mean they're all appropriate topics for the college essay.

I think you have to recognize the college essay is not a place to write about a therapy session. You're not writing this essay as a therapeutic piece. I don't think that's going to be the best way to share who you are as a person. I think that, certainly, there are lines you can cross with certain topics, you have to be careful. You also have to be careful about using appropriate language. I've had students in the past use language that maybe was appropriate back in 1950 or 1960. Today, in our climate today, would not be appropriate in any sense of the word to use that language. That's why I think it's important that students don't just write within a bubble, that they do share their essay or parts of their essay with other people, because other individuals may catch some of these problems or issues. And, you know, you do have to be careful with not just how you say something, but what language you use in saying it. Because some words are not really appropriate under certain given circumstances.

So, that's probably my best choice. Think very carefully about your topic, be very careful with your word choices and your language. I think you want to be careful. The common app has a 650-word limit. You obviously are not going to get overages to that word limit. My suggestion is, you don't have to write 650 words. You don't have to string out something unnecessarily to 650 words, which is very competently explained in 500 words. You're not trying to meet those max limits. If you can do it in less words and do it well, leave it alone. So you know, I think that that's something that students sometimes do. They try and push the word limits when they don't need to.

So, pay attention as you're planning for college to some of the smaller things happening in your life. Stop worrying about the big gigantic events that happen. Sometimes, the smaller incidents teach us really important lessons, and it might be something that you can use to show your growth, maturity, and understanding in a college essay.

[0:27:52] BHA: Jen, thank you so much for being on the episode. You have given our listeners so many things to do. Then also, some great ideas of what not to do when writing their college essay. I'm going to just give our listeners a quick reminder that their essay is not their only writing sample in their application. Their supplement or short answer question, depending on the schools that you're applying to, deserve as much attention as you're giving that main essay. So sure that all of these tips that you're gathering here, you're also applying to other places that writing might show up.

But again, Jen, thanks so much for being here. Thanks for all of the insights that you've been able to offer our listeners. And thanks for being a great reading partner as we read applications at Bucknell.

[0:28:36] JH: Thank you for having me, and I so enjoy it. Have a really good day.

[0:28:39] BT: Thanks to everyone out there for listening. If you're a fan of the podcast, please take a moment to rate, subscribe and share this episode with the families and students in your life.

[0:28:48] BHA: We'll be back with another new episode in a few weeks. In the meantime, send your questions, comments and episode ideas to podcast@bucknell.edu. We read every note you send.

[0:28:58] BT: Finally, you're invited to follow Bucknell on your favorite social media apps. Just look for @BucknellU on Instagram, Facebook, X, YouTube and TikTok. You can also follow our student-run Instagram account which is @iamraybucknell.

[0:29:12] BHA: Until next time, keep reaching for your dreams and your dream school.

[END]